Mighty Miracles

I have written this particular blog post a hundred times in my head.  I re-write it several times a day.  It is the single most important blog post of this trip.  It is, I’m starting to understand, the reason that we came to Australia.

I’m nervous to write about the events that will take place in a fortnight.  They actually use that word commonly here.  Of all the oddities, this one strikes me stronger than the rest.  “Yes, we’ll be seeing you in a fortnight.”  Hard to not mock that one!  Harder still to start using it in my daily vocabulary!  But look!  I did it! Hahahaha  I crack myself up sometimes!

I wasn’t born with the normal dose of desire for privacy I feel the rest of the world was born with.  I have a longing to be understood.  I’m willing to share every part of what is inside of me with anyone willing to sit still long enough to listen to my story, yet I find I’m hesitant to tell this part.  It’s so important that this be understood so that hurt and fear won’t rear their ugly heads and attempt to destroy my peace.  I don’t know why I think a silly blog post will prevent that from happening, but I know the power of a well written story.  I know even more the power of a true story.  Therein lies my trepidation in writing this particular post.  When something is so important, when an event is so monumental and special, I’m hesitant to share for I fear someone won’t believe what I say or they’ll misunderstand it or they won’t value it like I do. 

Regardless of anyone’s reactions to my story, I’m compelled to keep writing so here goes.

Two years ago, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a good book when ∞ came and plopped down excitedly next to me. 

“K says we’re going to Australia!” she exclaimed.

Dread filled my heart.  I hadn’t thought about how ∞ and O would feel about being left behind!  “We” were going to Australia.  We, our family, pi, me and our children.  She and O had been sent to live with their Dad.  The need for us to parent them, to include them in our nebulous, was over.  Wasn’t it?  Looking into her face time stood still.

I know that this will sound cheesy, or just like some literary tool, but it really happened.  It literally felt like time was suspended as my heart and mind were presented with a choice.  The first feeling that I was to understand was that, no matter what I chose, it was okay.  Knowing that, I also knew that every choice has consequences, some that cannot be predicted.  The superficial, two dimensional words that I’m using to describe these three dimensional feelings are very inadequate!  I felt pressed upon—choices have consequences!  Yet I was at a crossroads with no time for further study and contemplation.  A decision needed to be made, right then, and the choice was mine and mine alone.

I had to choose to include these girls in my family, as if they were my own children, or I had to choose for them to be relegated to their ‘proper’ place as just my nieces.  I honestly didn’t realize that I could make that choice again.  When DCFS called me and asked me to get to the courthouse that cold February day in 2010 I was asked to make that choice and I did it without hesitation.  I didn’t stop to confer with π, I didn’t stop to pray about it.  It was the right choice then. 

The exact same choice was being presented again, but the circumstances were different this time.  Before the choice was bring them home with us or allow them to be placed into state custody to live with strangers while the court figured things out.  This time, they had a safe home with their Dad to take care of them.  The need was different and, looking back on it, I guess it is only fair that I be given the choice again.  If I chose to include them in this monumental trip, I would be telling them that, no matter where they are in life, no matter who they live with, where they move to, what they do or what happens to them, they will always have a place in our family.  No matter what happens, for good or ill, we choosefor ‘them’ to be part of ‘us’.

Looking back I guess I could have chosen to look into her big brown eyes—the only distinguishing difference between her and ‘my’ kids—and said, “You’ll be here with your Dad while we go away for the whole summer to have this adventure.”  But even as I write those words I know there is no way on earth I could have ever said that to her. 

Instead I asked, “Would you be able to handle being away from your Dad for two whole months?  This isn’t going to be a short trip you know.”

Without hesitation she nuzzled her way under my arm and half whispered, “I just want to be wherever you are.”

It would complicate everything.  Vans are built for 8.  Holiday houses sleep 8.  Family passes include two adults and up to 6 children.  It would be so inconvenient!  It would be so expensive!  It would literally double the cost of this trip!  But for your children you don’t worry about the inconvenience or the cost.  You do what needs to be done.   This choice would destroy forever the line between them and us for they would now be a part of us regardless of what anyone, including a Judge or even biology, said.  And this choice was being given to me.

I felt the weight of it.  Adding two children to a family is no small thing.  Especially adding someone else’s children to your family.  But these girls were already part of us.  We were just getting used to them not being around.  We were in that adjustment phase where we were trying to settle in to figure out a new normal.  This would effect that.  This would have a gigantic effect on my children.  What effect would that be?  Good?  Bad? There was no way to know.  This would effect our relationships with extended family as well.  Some were supportive of the relationship we have continued with the girls, some not so much.  Would cementing our relationship with the girls be worth the sacrifice of some other relationships?  I just didn’t know!  How can you choose between people that you love? 

“Would you really want to leave the country for two whole months?  We’d have to fly on an airplane for like, 18 hours!” I really needed to buy some time to think.  Was this a decision I could make on my own, without π?

As I listened to her talk about her feelings about flying long distances, I prayed to know what I should say.  The calmest peace washed over me as she hugged me while she talked about her theories about how she would calm herself if she was suddenly struck by nerves on an international flight.  She talked about praying, singing primary songs, hugging me or her stuffed animal. 

When I asked her again if she would be okay not seeing her Dad or Mom for two whole months she looked at me like I was daft and said, “You and Papi will be there, right?  If you’re there, I’ll be fine.”

At that moment O came in and asked, “Where will Mama and Papi be?”

“I’m just wondering if you girls should come with us to Australia or if you should stay here with your parents,” I explained.

“You are our parents!” she said.

“Not anymore,” I said.  “You’re not in foster care anymore.”

She pushed ∞’s arms off me as she put hers around me and said, “No one can say you’re not my Mama.  If you’re going to Australia, I’m going to Australia!”

And that was that.  The choice was mine and I made it.  I love these girls more than I ever knew you could love ‘someone else’s’ children.  I love them literally as though they were my own.  I would normally care how that would effect other people, but looking into their eyes and hearing their longing to be with me the choice was simple.  The needs of the children must always come first.  Adults can choose and change and figure things out for themselves.  These girls have been rejected and neglected and damaged enough.  I certainly wasn’t going to add to that.

The planning commenced and as we got closer and closer to our departure date, ∞ started asking me to intervene with her Dad about letting her get baptized again.  We spoke frequently about X and X² impending baptism and she didn’t want them to be baptized before her!  The missionaries had knocked on her apartment door in the months previous and Dad had let her invite them in and listen to the lessons.  They had taught the lessons and challenged them to be baptized.  Dad had still said she wasn’t old enough to make that decision yet.  She asked me if I’d talk to him.  I told her that He wanted Her to talk to him about it, not me.  She asked me if I would pray with her that he would let her get baptized and for her to have the courage to talk to him—a simple request grated almost as quickly as it was asked. 

The next time they were down for the weekend, I mentioned to Laci that ∞ was wanting me to talk to Dad again and she seemed to think that permission wasn’t far from being granted.  Not wanting to push, not wanting it to be my encouragement that powered the process, I didn’t do much after that except the most powerful thing I could do—I fasted and prayed and pleaded and begged that the Lord could soften Dad’s heart and allow her wish to be granted. 

About 2 weeks before departure day we were exchanging kids one afternoon and I mentioned to Dad that ∞ was still asking me about getting permission for her to be baptized. 

Dad looked puzzled and said, “I already told her she could.”

Laughing I said, “She didn’t understand that.  You may want to tell her again.”

“She wants to be baptized with the boys in Australia.  O too,” he said.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.  In Oz?  With the boys? 

“I thought you’d want your family to be there,” I said cautiously.  “Wouldn’t you want to be there?”  He laughed. 

Our conversation after that is a blur except when he asked that I not mention anything to anyone before it happened.

“This is the girl’s decision.  It’s their choice.  I don’t want them to have to defend it to anyone—or to have anyone convince them that they shouldn’t do it when and how they want to.  We’ve discussed it, they’ve made their wishes known, and I want them to have what they want.” 

Even as I write this I fret over the possible consequences of that decision, but when I examine it closely, ultimately, he is absolutely right.  This is their decision, arrived at on their own with as little input from outside sources as they could realistically have.  The decision is a big one, and it’s not about who will or won’t be there.  It’s about making a personal covenant with your Lord and Savior. 

I immediately set up an appointment to talk with the Bishop about this change in plans and to figure out what I needed to do.  With the trip coming up so quickly, I needed to be efficient and quick to make sure things happened right!

(The next part may be a bit confusing if you’re not familiar with the LDS church.  If I lose you or if you’d like clarification, post a question in the comments or inbox me on FB or send me an email…feel free to ask whatever you’d like and I’ll do my best to answer your questions.)

The Bishop wanted so much to be supportive but He just couldn’t ‘feel’ it.  We started with trying to have the girls records be moved to our ward.  Church policy is that your records have to be in the ward in which you physically reside.  Therefore, since the girls don’t live with me, they can’t have their records here in our ward.  His prayers were met with confusion—a sure sign that something isn’t right.

Since ∞ is older than eight, she’ll be classified as a convert baptism so I asked if there was going to be a problem with that?  What did I need to do?  Again, the Bishop was confused and just plain and simple didn’t know.  He spoke to the Stake President and, in the end, they both felt that this decision just needed to be tabled until we got back from our trip.

I tried to accept that counsel.  I really did.  I let it go and for a good 3-4 days, I tried to make peace with it.  I prayed about it constantly, asking to know what to do, but nothing came.  Then one afternoon someone asked me how I was liking my new ward.

“It’s growing on me,” I said.  “It’s just really hard getting used to the Church as a business again.”

Almost sounding offended my brother in law asked, “What do you mean?”

So I explained the situation and how I just felt like these young girls desire to be baptized was being overshadowed by the policies and procedures of the church.  They want to enter into a covenant to take upon them the name of Christ and they’re being told, Yeah, why don’t you wait a bit for that because we just don’t know what to do with you since your situation is a bit unusual.  (Realize I was trivializing a very complex situation and I have no doubt that the Bishop especially wanted nothing more than to see these girls be able to make this big step in their lives.  But things need to be done properly and it just wasn’t coming together.  Sadly knowing people’s hearts are in the right place doesn’t eliminate the frustration of a situation.)

Then the answer to my prayers came with a simple word of counsel from Bishop Troy, “Your Bishop has no authority over those girls.  He can’t receive revelation for them, which makes perfect sense why he’s so confused and doesn’t know what to do.  You need to call their bishop.  Even if he doesn’t know them or isn’t aware of their situation, he’s their bishop.”

It was so simple and perfect and right, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it!  I immediately got the phone number, called and left a message.  For the next 3 days I called and got no response.  Busy doing other things, I let it go and turned my focus to things I could accomplish. 

When the phone rang with an unknown number, I almost didn’t answer the call.  I was so busy I didn’t have time to waste on someone I didn’t know.  But that feeling came that said, “ANSWER!”  so I did.  Fifteen minutes later we had an appointment with ∞ and O’s Branch President (who knew they were in a Branch and not a Ward?!) who would call the mission President and have the Elder’s there ready to do interviews and make sure everything was copasetic.

I hung up the phone and peace filled the room.  It was going to happen.  It was really going to happen!  ∞ had been praying for this for two years and it was actually going to happen!  I wanted so much to call and tell someone about it, someone who would be as excited as I was—but I’d given my word that I wouldn’t say anything until AFTER it happened.  It almost killed me, waiting till π got home to talk to him about it.

The meeting with the Branch President was something special.  Dad and Laci came and we met with the President and two Elders.  They interviewed the girls who were still in shock.  We hadn’t told them anything about it in fear that something would change and their hopes would be dashed again.  The District Leader wasn’t there—he had to interview ∞ because she’s technically a convert—so we had to wait for him to show up.

Elder Farmer finally arrived and ∞ asked me to come into the interview with her.  When the last question was answered, a sweet spirit filled the room.  We all acknowledged the change in feeling in the room and E’ Farmer asked ∞ if we could kneel in prayer together.  She consented and he asked her to say it.  Now ∞ is pretty shy and very hesitant to even voice family prayers, but she, unhesitant, willingly knelt and began to pray. 

Emotions almost immediately overcame her and her prayer was short and sweet.  She thanked the Lord for softening her Dad’s heart.  She thanked Him for teaching her the gospel for giving her the family that He had and she asked that He not let anything else get in the way of her being baptized.  At the close of the prayer, she hugged me so tight and then started sobbing.  E’ Farmer left us alone and we took a moment to bask in the joy and overwhelming emotions that were washing over us both.  It was truly a sweet, sweet, sacred moment.

We collected the paperwork, shook hands, took some pictures then headed to the parking lot.  We chatted for a while and something on the paperwork caught my attention.  As I looked at it, I realized they’d given us 2 papers for O but none for ∞!  We went back in to the office, got the right papers and left again.

Back in the parking lot I looked again at what had caught my attention before and realized that the Branch President hadn’t signed ∞’s recommend!  We went in again and had him sign it and realized that E’ Farmer had put the wrong month on the paperwork!  We all recognized ∞’s prayer being answered!  Imagine if we’d come all this way only to be turned away because the date was wrong on the paperwork!   He was preparing the way and she wouldn’t be denied!

And here we are!

O has been a bit of a different matter.  She wants to be baptized, but her desire hasn’t been as vocal nor as transparent as ∞.  Then the other day walking out of the ruins of the massive church—we would call it a cathedral—at Port Arthur, the kids were throwing coins into the fountain and making wishes.  When O tossed a rock instead of a coin, X informed her that her wish wouldn’t come true if she only threw rocks.

“I don’t need to throw my coins into the fountain for my wish to come true,” she informed him.

“Oh yeah?” he was incredulous.  “What’s your wish then?  Or can’t you tell me because it won’t come true?”

“Oh it’s happening.  Nothing can stop me now!” she said.  Then, with a triumphant grin and a burst of joy she threw her arms into the air, twirled around and shouted, “I’m getting Baptized!!!”

That exchange filled my heart with joy and peace because it confirmed for me what her Dad already knows—this isn’t just my desire for her.  She wants this for herself.  I’ve known that ∞ has wanted this, desperately, for a long time.  In her quiet moments of contemplation, in her darkest moments of sorrow, in her joyful happy times, it’s always been an underlying yearning.  She has shared that longing with me, pleading for me to convince her Dad that this is what she wants.  She wants to have the gift of the Holy Ghost.  She wants His constant companionship.  She needs the comfort and peace His presence promises.

But O is two years younger.  She hasn’t articulated her longing to me like ∞ has. I haven’t been as sure that this was her desire and not just ‘what you do’.  There have been times that I’ve wondered if she doesn’t just want it because ∞ does.  Or if she doesn’t just want to enter those covenants because X and X² will be.  Or if she really just wants to partake of the Sacrament during our worship services each week!  She can be a flighty little princess sometimes and difficult to read.

This small, simple interaction that wasn’t meant for my ears has cleansed my soul of any doubt. This is her wish and, like she said, nothing can stop her now!

So here we are.  I’ve been writing and re-writing and editing and trying desperately to not offend or hurt with my words for two weeks.  I will keep my word and not post this until after the baptism.  This post won’t have pictures, but the next one will—the one that tells the stories of the actual events of the day.  I hope this clarifies the situation. I hope it eases the blow of not being included in the decision or even aware of it.  We love you all!!